Tuesday, February 19, 2008

too deep for a Monday?

I have begun using the Caloriking.com website again to try and aid in my weight loss goals. And its not so much even weight loss...its more getting in shape...but yeah, its weight loss. fuck.

Anyways...instead of filling my blogger page with daily portion information and my victories and failures, I am logging onto the site and chatting with other folks who are facing similar battles.

We all post helpful info, questions, etc etc. One such posting Are You Afraid of Being Thin? was very interesting and got me to thinking...

"Weight loss may require you to accept more challenges or responsibilities and staying fat then becomes a form of safety."

You know, I have thought in the past that this might be one of my problems. I have always had this gnawing "you can't be faster or stronger" thing in my head and its drives me crazy. Since I have always been overweight, I have never been very strong in sports...and I think it gives me a comfort zone of "well I can always be last" and therefore there is no pressure. I say I am a non-competitive person, but I think I may be lying to myself. By saying that, I give myself an excuse for not pushing harder or doing more. I see it more now than I did when I was younger, I am more aware of when I am rationalizing or running away. I love being active, but maybe its time for me to let go of those feelings that have been holding me back and actually shoot for something greater than I have been working for.

Mainly, I am speaking of my trail running and mountain biking. Maybe I am scared of actually being a real competitor instead of just someone who participates and what that would mean for future events and other portions of my life.

eep. If that's true...what steps do I need to take now? Or do I need to take any at all?

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